The first time I heard my teacher Brooke Castillo say that people pleasers are liars I thought,
“Wow, that’s harsh!”
Then I thought about it and I realized the reason we try to please people is because we want
them to like us.
Most people grow up thinking if people like us, that must mean we’re acceptable, we’re good, we’re worthy.
They also think being liked has everything to do with us.
But what if it isn’t true?
What if the things people think or say about us have nothing to do with us, and everything to do with their thoughts about us.
What if people’s thoughts come from their own beliefs, their own pre programming, their confirmation bias?
Example:
There are some people in this world who absolutely love pizza.
There are also people who don’t like pizza at all.
So If there are people who love pizza and people who don’t,
THEN HOW CAN IT BE ABOUT THE PIZZA?
You are like the pizza.
When people like you it’s not about you.
When they don’t like you, it’s not about you either.
But let’s face it. We like people to like us.
We like the way it feels when we get a compliment or we get included.
But sometimes when we want people to like us we use manipulation.
If we really examine ourselves we can probably spot some relationships where this might be happening.
Right?
When we people please, others don’t get to see who we really are.
They see the version of us we’re pretending to be.
This is also called acting out of integrity.
When we act out of integrity, we’re not being honest.
We’re lying.
Here’s a story to illustrate:
My friend, we’ll call her Sarah, is a world class baker.
One day Sarah’s neighbor asked if she would bake 20 dozen cookies for the church event her daughter would be attending.
Sarah was already stressed out with a large wedding order, prior commitments to her family, and she was very sleep deprived.
Sarah really didn’t want to make the cookies, but she also didn’t want to disappoint her neighbor.
So she said yes.
Sarah stayed up until 3am baking the cookies.
The next day she was tired and grumpy. She snapped at her husband, she blamed the church for overworking her, and she was too exhausted to go to her son’s soccer game.
Sound familiar?
Next time you’re asked to do something and you’re afraid to say no, you can ask yourself these questions:
1. What would I do if I wasn’t concerned about what people thought about me?
2. Who or what am I resenting?
3. What would I do if I was truly acting in integrity?
You know what will happen when you answer these questions honestly?
You’ll show up honest.
You’ll gain more confidence.
You’ll start to like yourself more.
You’ll know when it’s time to say YES and when it’s time to say NO.
You’ll know you can’t please everyone AND you won’t want to.
You see, when you don’t love yourself, you need other people to tell you you’re lovable.
And when you rely on other people to make you feel loved, you will always come up short.
When you learn how to love yourself, you’ll win every time.
Are you ready to win?
