My mother-in-law was coming into town. If I’m being completely honest, I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I put on my big girl pants, and tidied up the guest room.
During her stay, a neighbor came over to ask my husband a question, so I shouted his name and told him he was wanted at the door.
No answer.
I called his name louder, still no answer.
I looked around the house, checked outside, and looked in the garage, but I still couldn’t find him.
I went upstairs and walked down the hall, past the guest room.
That’s when I found my husband and his mom.
Spooning.
They were actually laying in bed, snuggled up together.
Big spoon, little spoon.
For the first 20 years of my marriage I was confused about my husband’s relationship with his mom. He confided in her, he went to great lengths to please her. He dismissed unkind behavior toward me, and he didn’t think any of this was a problem.
I was frustrated, and we argued about it a lot.
Years later (thanks to lots of dollars and lots of time spent together on a leather couch) here’s what we didn’t know then, that we know now.
Oftentimes mothers will try to recreate the lost relationship of a husband or partner through her son, causing an unhealthy dynamic called codependency.
This happens a lot with oldest (or only) sons, and it can also happen when mothers have had one or more failed relationships.
Here are some things that might help you know if your husband has a codependent relationship with his mom:
1. Your husband’s mom puts unhealthy demands on his time and attention.
2. Your husband feels responsible for his mom’s emotional well-being.
3. Your husband stretches the truth to avoid disappointing his mom.
4. Your husband relies on his mom for money.
5. Your husband’s mom overshares personal details of her life with him.
6. She enables your husband’s bad or irresponsible behavior.
7. She treats your husband more like a best friend than a son.
8. She relied heavily on your husband for support when he was younger, and continues to do so now.
9. Your husband goes to great lengths to make his mom happy.
10. Your husband generally sides with his mom instead of you.
If this sounds familiar, then you know the stress and tension it can cause in a marriage.
You and your husband probably argue a lot, you’ve tried to resolve the problem on your own, and you haven’t figured out a solution, yet.
But I have the best news.
I can show you how to have the relationship you’ve always wanted with your husband AND your mother-in-law, without needing to change either of them.
I can show you exactly what I did to overcome the frustration, fear, and the resentment I experienced for almost twenty years.
I can tell you that because of the work I did, my husband and I haven’t argued about his mom in over 5 years.
And the only person he’s spooning is me.
All of your struggles with your husband and his mom are figureoutable.
I can show you how.
